I watched Brené Brown: Listening to Shame video recently. It is one of my favorite TED Talks. Brené talks about shame and how we are saying to ourselves, "We Are NEVER Good Enough or Who Do We Think We Are". Isn't that a great way of looking at the underlining statements we say to ourselves that are from shame? And, these statements are just a few of the powerful statements in this video.
As a Professional Organizer(P.O.) for 20 years, I have met these similar comments when I tell a person what I do for a living. They feel that a P.O. will judge them for how they have lived their lives. And, if they accept help, it means they can't do it all (shame), which then means they are stupid or unintelligent (shame) because they can't do it all. Then, I go on and say, using my motherly voice, "My mission is to help others through inspiring them to organize and make their lives easier to manage without judgement." This usually helps them put their shame aside and be more open and allow me to see how they are living. This is a big step for them, so I take it very seriously. I especially do not want my clients to feel at all pressured or criticized for their situations.
When I meet with them for the Solutions Consultation, the first statement that comes out of their mouth when we enter the room that bothers them the most is "I am so ashamed or embarrassed of this ...." Interesting right? Shame you have about the clutter weighs on you more than the clutter itself. Shame plays a huge role in clutter.
I am here to tell you that the way you feel (the shame) about your clutter, messy home, or disorganized space, is affecting you more than the clutter itself. Remember that stuff is stuff. They are things that aren't always needed. You may need them now but not a year or five years from now. The stuff is the means to an end. You need them for a purpose whether it be to remind you of a happy memory or doing a particular task just to name a few. If you keep this in mind when you look at your stuff and your clutter, it will make getting rid of things easier.
Here are some tips to help you combat shame about your cluttered home:
- Recognize that you are embarrassed by your clutter. Tell yourself that clutter is just indecision and start by making decisions on every item you have.
- Admit to yourself that you need help. It is OK to ask. Forget the internal monologue that says you have to do it all yourself or you are not strong.
- Remember a strong person is the one who can ask for help.
- Remember there are many ways to do tasks and organize spaces. So, inform yourself that it is OK to change processes and rearrange spaces to make it work more efficiently.
- Remember clutter does not have to be permanent. If it bothers you, get rid of it.
Above all else, when you look at clutter, there is no need to judge yourself. The items are not judging you, so stop judging yourself. Let's continue the conversation, what do you say to yourself when you look at clutter in your home? Please leave a comment below.
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Shame is the part of the cycle that is so difficult. One way to side-step shame almost instantly is to step into gratefulness... it is impossible to be shameful and grateful at the same time. Thanks Sabrina
Great point, Cena! Thanks for sharing.
I've moved too many times to be a collector of cutter (stopped counting after 28 post college--1981--moves), but I know those folks and have compassion for them. I also have a professional organizer in my life and have seen how she approaches people with collection issues. Even for someone well organized, it is good to hear these lessons and stop occasionally and think about: why is that Rubbermaid tub still full of stuff I meant to go through last winter? good post to provoke!
Hi Sabrina,
I love this!! I think that most of us Professional Organizers feel honoured that we are able to help those in need. I know I do. I love your quotes and I have listened to Brene Brown talk on Vulnerability which is awesome. I am going to check this talk out as well. Thanks so much
I think people get confused that some clutter is a party of life and really is revolving. It's the clutter you let build up around you that isn't revolving, that you must off doing anything about for emotional reasons, or you have a habit of buying things you don't need. That kind of clutter is the clutter that makes us feel bad. But it's really the feelings behind those piles that cause us the shame.
Great quote,"Shame you have about the clutter weighs on you more than the clutter itself."
Another great post,
I know sometimes my clutter gets to much for me.
It is time, and energy that keeps me from taking care of it.
The shame is such a heavy burden to bear. I love that we have the chance to come into their lives, provide solutions and help manage this burden. It's the same way people feel when they are overweight, in debt, or addicted.
Great article Sabrina, I hear that all the time, when I meet new clients. It is a "shame" that so many people are putting off getting organized because of the shame they feel, and of being judged.
I always decide to spend a few minutes on it every day but I seldom do.
This is so true! My clients who have been brave enough to ask me for help can see that I do not judge them for their clutter. I see it only as a problem to be solved. But for those who are still suffering, your tips will surely help!
I don't like clutter either so every so often I tend to collect stuff I don't need and take it either to the recycling place, the Charity shop or put it up for sale on EBay. I try not to get too tempted by the sales but I do tend to end up buying a lot of props for my blog and am forever looking for space to store it.
Personally, I have never had a clutter problem because I am a complete neat freak! But I wish I'd read these wise words when friends have asked me to help them with their clutter problems over the years:) I'll remember them!
I really like the statement "The stuff is a means to an end." So often people forget that and fill their homes with stuff just 'because'. I know someone who can't resist a bargain and will buy a piece of clothing and then never wear it. In the meantime it just adds to the crowding of her closet. When I told her I had three pairs of jeans - one for working in, one black and one white pair, she wondered how I did it. Pretty easy. I don't need more.
Thankyou for posting the above article- it has helped me to recognise that my clutter problem is temporary.